Updated: 2 days ago
Deciding to separate is never easy, and when children are involved, it often becomes even more complex. When you feel uncertain, emotional, and vulnerable, you face the difficult task of telling your children that life as they know it is about to change.
At RHC Solicitors, we understand first-hand how difficult this conversation can be. That's why this article offers practical tips, emotional support strategies, and an overview of your legal obligations when separating with children.
In future articles, we'll discuss family dispute resolution, parenting orders, contravention orders, and consent orders, and we'll link them here as they are published.
In This Article:
Talking To Your Children About Separation
When and how you break the news to your children can shape how they cope with change. There’s no perfect script, but there are some important things to follow:
Be honest and clear
Be direct about what is happening, and avoid going into unnecessary or hurtful detail
Assure them they are not to blame
Children often feel responsible for the split
Avoid blame or criticism
It's important to avoid blaming the other parent in front of a child
Let them know they can still love both parents
The child does not need to choose 'sides'
Help them to discuss their feelings
listen sympathetically to your child’s feelings and opinions without judgment
Explain what will change
This may include things like where they will live, when they’ll see each parent
Explain what will stay the same
This may include things like where they go to school, their friendships and extended family
Remind them they are loved
Remind them that both parents will continue to care for them.
How Children React To Separation
Every child will respond differently to news of a separation. Ultimately, you know your children better than anyone, and following the principles above can help ease any stress a child can feel.
Their reaction will depend on several factors, including:
Their age and stage of development
Their personality and how they handle change
How the separation is handled (calmly and respectfully, or with visible conflict)
How you as parents cope. Remember, children often take emotional cues from you.
Children can feel many emotions during this time, such as:
Sadness, anger, confusion, fear, or a sense of loss
Guilt or responsibility for the separation
Insecurity or anxiety about the future
Hope that their parents might reconcile
You may also see changes in their behaviour, such as clinginess, mood swings, bedwetting, reluctance to attend school or acting out.
Supporting Your Children Through The Transition
While you’re likely dealing with your own emotional upheaval, it's crucial to consider your children's needs and help them adjust.
You can support them by:
Keeping existing routines as much as possible, and keeping any new routines consistent
Minimising major changes (such as moving house or changing schools)
Never using children as messengers between parents or involving them in adult disputes
Communicating respectfully with your former partner about parenting decisions
Letting teachers, carers, and other important adults know what’s happening, so they can keep an eye on your child’s wellbeing
Being patient and understanding as your children navigate their feelings and behaviours
If you’re concerned, talk to teachers, childcare providers, and other caregivers, and don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Remember, things take time, and every situation and separation is unique. Some children adjust quickly and easily, while others may take months or years to fully adjust.
Parenting Arrangements
When making parenting arrangements after separation, several pathways are available depending on your circumstances and your ability to communicate with your former partner.
Some families can discuss informal arrangements, while others prefer to record their agreement in a written parenting order or consent orders made by the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia.
If you can't agree on some or all parenting issues, dispute resolution or mediation can help you find common ground before you proceed to court orders. An effective, experienced family lawyer can guide you through your options and help you reach an arrangement in the child's best interests.
When we talk about 'parenting arrangements', we're referring to three different avenues with varying degrees of cost, enforceability, and legality.
Parenting Plans
This is a voluntary written agreement between the parties. Under the Family Law Act 1975, both parties must sign and date it, and it is not legally enforceable. A parenting plan may cover any aspect of the children's care, welfare, and development, such as where they will live or who they will spend time with.
Consent Orders
Consent orders are legally binding agreements that formalise parenting, property and financial arrangements after separation. Approved by the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, they let separating couples reach a mutual agreement without ongoing disputes or drawn-out court proceedings. Once approved, the terms become enforceable by law, offering certainty, structure and a clear path forward for both parties.
Parenting Orders
Parenting orders are legally binding decisions made by the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia about parenting arrangements after separation. They can cover where a child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, how parental responsibilities are shared, and other important matters such as schooling and healthcare. Once made, both parties must follow them.
Choosing the right avenue for your situation can significantly affect your child's long-term wellbeing and your co-parenting relationship.
What Is Most Important?
Remember that the most important consideration in a separation involving children is the child's wellbeing and best interests.
This means prioritising their emotional and physical safety, providing stability, and shielding them from conflict as much as possible. Children benefit from a consistent routine, open communication, and knowing that both parents are committed to their care and happiness.
Supporting their connection with both parents and making respectful, child-focused decisions can help them feel secure and supported during what can be a confusing and stressful time.
For crisis support, contact:
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800
Disclaimer: This publication is not intended to be comprehensive, nor does it constitute legal advice. We are unable to ensure the information is current, and there is no guarantee in relation to accuracy. You should seek legal or other professional advice before acting or relying on any of the content of this publication. The views and/or opinions expressed in this publication are those of the author and may not necessarily represent the views and/or opinions of RHC Solicitors.
RHC Solicitors ©
